Content note: this post has reference to themes/topics including violence and gendered violence.
I often feel angry. I feel angry about things going wrong at work, about things people say at home, about the crazy world outside. I’ve been trained not to show it. I think a lot of men are the same. I promise myself I will never get angry again.
There’s been lot to feel angry about. You can feel trapped in your house, too close to your family when every disagreement feels very serious. There’s still a lot to feel worried about: the unfairness of losing your job, maybe, or not enough money or just where to go away and get a break. It can be hard to keep your cool.
Where I live, I hear how some men are showing their anger. They rev their cars along the street. They play their music loud in the shed so you can hear it in the next block. They yell at their wife and kids instead of talking. They yell at each other.
Some of those ways can be dangerous. A car smash, maybe, or the yelling leads to hitting someone you love. Last week we saw a gang fight behind the local shopping mall.
Sometimes I reckon it’s more dangerous if you don’t, or can’t, show your anger and it stays inside. Because then, sometimes you don’t know when you’re angry. And then it sneaks out in another way that doesn’t help much. You pick a fight with your wife over something small. Smack the kids when a stern word would have done. My best mate lost his marriage that way.
If you don’t notice the signs, maybe other people are trying to tell you by yelling back or going quiet when you come into the room. It might be worth talking to someone – you could try a friend. It’s amazing what your cousin will understand, even if you only see them once a year.
Or you could try these numbers:
MensLine 1300 78 99 78
Men’s Referral Service 1300 766 491
Please see the bottom of this article for further resources and support.
Written by YPRL staff member Alan Thompson
Some items from our collection which touch on the themes of this blog post include:
Too many men are suffering with their emotional health issues in silence, and male suicide rates are high. Men are affected by everyday stress, high workloads, anxiety and depression, loss of confidence or identity, relationship breakdowns, family disruption, addictions and trauma - just the same as women. But society has placed a stigma on men's mental health. Men have found it hard to reach out in the past because of a sense of shame that comes from our society. But men are changing. They are re-defining what it is to be 'strong', and are more open to understanding their emotions and reaching out for help. The Changing Man: A Mental Health Guide explores a range of issues affecting men's emotional health and wellbeing, and provides a collection of tried and tested tools to ensure no man suffers in silence again. From dealing with addiction, to bettering relationships, overcoming depression, working through sexuality concerns and realising that it is okay not to be okay, The Changing Man's methods and knowledge may just change your emotional health for the better. No shame. No silence. No anger.
At the office of Safe Steps, Victoria's dedicated 24/7 family violence response call centre, phone counsellors receive a call every three minutes. Many women are repeat callers - on average, they will go back to an abusive partner eight times before leaving for good. Domestic abuse is a national emergency: one in four Australian women has experienced violence from a man she was intimate with. But too often we ask the wrong question: why didn’t she leave? We should be asking: why did he do it?Investigative journalist Jess Hill puts perpetrators – and the systems that enable them – in the spotlight. See What You Made Me Do is a deep dive into the abuse so many women and children experience – abuse that is often reinforced by the justice system they trust to protect them. Critically, it shows that we can drastically reduce domestic violence – not in generations to come, but today. Combining forensic research with riveting storytelling, See What You Made Me Do radically rethinks how to confront the national crisis of fear and abuse in our homes.
An urgent manifesto revealing the link between domestic violence and terrorism by seasoned journalist and human rights campaigner. What do the attacks in London Bridge, Manchester and Westminster have in common with those at the Charlie Hebdo offices, the Finsbury Park Mosque attack and multiple US shootings? They were all carried out by men with histories of domestic violence.Terrorism begins at home. Terrorism is seen as a special category of crime that has blinded us to the obvious - that it is, almost always, male violence. The extraordinary link between so many tragic recent attacks is that the perpetrators have practised in private before their public outbursts. In these searing case studies, Joan Smith, feminist and human rights campaigner, makes a compelling and persuasive argument for a radical shift in perspective. Incomprehensible ideology is transformed through her clear-eyed research into a disturbing but familiar pattern. From the Manchester bomber to the Charlie Hebdo attackers, from angry white men to the Bethnal Green girls, from US school shootings to the London gang members who joined ISIS, Joan Smith shows that, time and time again, misogyny, trauma and abuse lurk beneath the rationalizations of religion or politics. Until Smith pointed it out in 2017, criminal authorities missed this connection because violence against women is dangerously normalised. Yet, since domestic abuse often comes before a public attack, it's here a solution to the scourge of our age might be found. Thought-provoking and essential, HOME-GROWN will lift the veil on a revelatory truth.
In 2019, traditional masculinity is both rewarded and sanctioned. Men grow up being told that boys don’t cry and dolls are for girls (a newer phenomenon than you might realize—gendered toys came back in vogue as recently as the 80s). They learn they must hide their feelings and anxieties, that their masculinity must constantly be proven. They must be the breadwinners, they must be the romantic pursuers. This hasn’t been good for the culture at large: 99% of school shooters are male; men in fraternities are 300% (!) more likely to commit rape; a woman serving in uniform has a higher likelihood of being assaulted by a fellow soldier than to be killed by enemy fire.
In For the Love of Men, Liz offers a smart, insightful, and deeply-researched guide for what we're all going to do about toxic masculinity. For both women looking to guide the men in their lives and men who want to do better and just don’t know how, For the Love of Men will lead the conversation on men's issues in a society where so much is changing, but gender roles have remained strangely stagnant.
For primary response and/or advice, Respect Victoria recommends engaging with one of the following services:
- If you are experiencing family violence, concerned for your safety, or in an emergency situation please call 000 for urgent police assistance. More information can be found on the family violence page of the Victoria Police website.
- 1800 Respect is a national hotline operated by trained counselors. The service is available 24 hours a day, seven days a week to support people impacted by family violence, please call 1800 737 732. More information can be found on the 1800 Respect website.
- Safe Steps is a family violence support centre providing assistance for women, members of the community who identify as female or transfeminine, as well as their children. The service is available 24 hours a day, seven days a week, please call 1800 015 188 or try their live web chat service available 9am-9pm, Monday - Friday. Chats are anonymous and accessible to anyone experiencing violence or concerned about the welfare of a loved one. More information can be found on the Safe Steps website.
- MensLine Australia is a telephone and online counselling service for men with family and relationship concerns. The service is available 24 hours a day, seven days a week, please call 1300 789 978. More information can be found on the MensLine Australia website.
- No to Violence is the peak body for organisations and individuals working with men to end family violence. No to Violence provides telephone counselling, information and referrals. Please call 1300 766 491. More information can be found on the No to Violence website.
- Victims Support Agency is the official Victorian Government Agency helping people in Victoria manage the effects of violent crime, including legal considerations. Please call 1800 819 817 or the text service on 0427 767 891. More information can be found on the Victims Support Agency website.
- Victoria Legal Aid (VLA) provides assistance to people with legal problems in areas of criminal law, family law and some civil law matters. They provide an interpreter service in 14 other languages. Call 1300 792 387 for more information. More information can be found on the VLA website.
- Seniors Rights Victoria (SRV) provides information and advice to help prevent elder abuse and safeguard the rights of older people. If you or someone you know is experiencing elder abuse, call SRV's confidential helpline: 1300 368 821. More information can be found on the Senior Rights Victoria website.
Other referral pathways
- Djirra is a culturally safe place where culture is celebrated and practical support is available. Call 1800 105 303 or visit the Djirra Aboriginal Family Violence Preventions and Legal Services website.
- InTouch Multicultural Centre Against Family Violence is a specialist family violence service that works with multicultural women, their families and their communities. Call 1800 755 988 or visit the InTouch website.
- Queerspace provides for community, by community counselling. Call Drummond Street Services on 9663 6733 or visit the queerspace website.